I enjoy going to yoga. The act of getting to the gym in the dead of winter – not so much – but once I’m there. I’m good.
Okay, truth. I’m good when I get into the yoga room.
First, I have to walk the gauntlet of judgey machines, ellipticals, treadmills, rowers, stationary bikes, all of them mocking my flabby belly for passing them by. You should be doing a cardio workout they clamor.
Next come the weight machines, usually occupied by a couple of burly guys lifting heavy loads, and making it look easy. They don’t pay any attention to me, and I’m grateful, and also a little putout.
I’m fifty. I’m not dead.
And now, I’m wondering if they can see my panty lines through my yoga pants.
Keep walking. Keep walking.
Enter the yoga center...
Okay – yep – now I’m good. No judging here. No judging out there either but – helloooo – crazy brain talking.
Take a breath. Register. Grab a mat, a bolster, a strap, a couple of blocks, two pads – not one – but two pads for my knees. Set up my space, near the wall, at the back. Now I wait. Do a bit of stretching on my own.
A pre-stretch stretch. Cause I’m gonna need all the help I can get.
The instructor arrives, young, peppy, cute. I try not to judge. She’s about to kick my ass.
She starts the music. It’s soothing. She talks us through some slow breathing. At least, I think she is. I can’t actually hear her. Stooopid ears. Deep breaths now. Feel your chest expand. Mine feels like it hits a wall. I can’t breathe as deep as I used to. Stooopid Ankylosing Spondylitis. Oh, shit! We’re moving now. Okay. Downward dog. I got this. Glasses slip off my nose. Now I can’t see. Stooopid eyes.
She goes through the yoga routine. I follow along as best I can. Yep, you bet, I feel the stretch of muscles that have been neglected for too long. It feels good. It hurts, but it’s a good kinda hurt. The instructor takes us down to the floor for the end of class unwind, the find your inner peace moment. She’s still talking. I still can’t hear her, and my brain’s still going a mile a minute, but hey, I did it. Yay! I made it through my first yoga class since I stopped going…in February of 2019.
Barbie isn't real...
I started back at it in January 2020. One class that first week – Stretch and Unwind – not bad, I can do this. Moved up to two Stretch and Unwind classes by the third week.
Too easy. I’m a yoga ninja now, so I sign up for the Hips and Shoulders class. Not gonna lie. I started to cry about halfway through. Not because I was in pain. I was…in pain, but that wasn’t why the silent tears rolled. Nope. It was the dawning realization that there’s shit I can’t do anymore and am never going to be able to do again.
It was the frog pose that did it. My hips will not allow my legs to open in that way. Not without snapping off my body like Barbie doll legs. Problem is – I’m pretty sure mine won’t snap back on.
It sucks losing something that came to you so easily before. I’ve always been flexible, always been athletic. Team sports mostly. Basketball was my first love, followed by soccer. Both fast-paced. Both high-impact.
I continued to play my favorite sports as long as I could. Somewhere in my early thirties, the pain started to outweigh the gain, and it took longer and longer for my muscles to recover from a game. Add in the Fibro fatigue, and sometimes it was everything just to drag myself onto the court or the field. It got to the point where I couldn’t play any longer, not without risking a serious injury.
My auto-immune diseases took sports from me.
Not the love of sports, but the ability to play them. That was tough; I was an athlete stuck in a non-athletic body. I ate my feelings, gained weight. Eventually, I joined the gym, tried going to aerobics classes, lifted weights, trudged along on the cardio machines. I hated it. Kept trying to convince myself otherwise, but yeah, I’m not a gym girl.
After the tears...
Now I walk for exercise, do yoga for muscle conditioning, and recently I tried aquafit. I loved it. I think I smiled through the entire class. Thanks for bringing me, Suzanne! So I’m adding aquafit to my list of things I CAN do to help myself stay mobile.
Happily, aquafit is one of the activities offered at the resort I’m staying at in Florida, and I’ve been to two classes. The instructor is sixty, funny, and a ball of energy. She makes me laugh out loud, these days, it’s what I need. A group activity where I don’t need to speak to anyone if I’m not in the mood, but the option is there.
Best part – nothing hurts after.
SCORE!
Sure, as I continue along on my wellness journey, there will be more tears, more frustrations, more things I can’t do. But I’m learning, I’m growing, and I’m figuring out what I can do. It’s all part of the process.
For now, Jodie is waiting for me to get my butt in gear. We’re going for a walk – to IHOP for breakfast – what could be better? Exercise I can do, sunshine and prescription sunglasses, a delicious and healthy breakfast, and a best friend to share it with.
If I’m crying, they’re happy tears.
Wishing you all a low pain week.
Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.
Current pain level 4/10.
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OMG!
Never an athletic girl per say, however always a walker. Walking is the very best medicine Ever! At least for me. I will keep trucking along as long as I can.
Funny you mentioned aqua fit. I used to do that many moons ago. A good low impact exercise and lucky me…. I live right beside the pool. Hmmmmm something I must look into I would say. Maybe, eventually. Thing is I don’t feel very peoply at all lately.
Sooo, think I will head out to my soul place and walk the trails by the water…. I will probably be in more pain from the walk through the snow but for now maybe the pain will be worth it.
Have a great time with your bff.
Wish I was somewhere warm and sunny where I can sit on a beach and listen to the sound of the ocean waves, and maybe walk on the beach….
I feel you! Being peoply requires work. Not always what’s on the agenda. The right people will get it!
Eyes forward always looking for a way to help yourself is an amazing attribute Edith . So glad you found aquafit. It is a wonderful no impact way to exercise and I really enjoy it too. Unfortunately it doesn’t work for me in Canada in winter. The pools are too cold and cause spasms…groan. Enjoy the rest Edith while I toll over my elliptical runner here in my cold basement LOL. Oh and I have recently added OsteoArthritis to my list of ailments, my knees and my thumb. I will also go through withdrawal when they take my standard shift away …sigh
Winters are so hard, Alice. I agree 100% Getting out of the house, going to the pool, cold going in. Cold going out. It can be rough.
Glad you have your elliptical!
Osteoarthritis – knees and thumb. Not fun. Hand pain is no joke! Hope you find a good solution to help alleviate the pain.
❤️
Right back at you, babe!
Well Edie , here I am in sun and warm beaches too! Just arrived yesterday and boy can I feel the difference already in the body pain! The hips are feeling better the knees today are better yesterday not so much! Did some pool swimming today which of course helped so much. I am going to look into aqua fit we I get back home. There is an amazing YMCA near that offers senior classes. Hope the rest of your time away is good!
So glad you’re feeling better. Something about the sun and the lack of stress on vacation I think. Aquafit for the win! Let me know how it goes for you.
Have an amazing vacation.
Glad you found some rainbow in your life. Giving up things you love is hard. After back surgery and knee surgery this past year and getting or trying to do things is hard. Being told I will never run, bike, horseback ride or just bend over, walk for more then 10 minutes, standing for too long is really hard. My goal is to get things back, well as much as I can. I feel for your journey and can sympathize with you completely. Here is to you and those suffering, it takes time but I do believe we will all find a little rainbow in our lives.
Thanks for sharing, Deb. Back and knee surgery! That had to be hard, not to mention the recovery. I think your goal of getting some of the things you love back slowly is ideal, because we just can’t stop living. If we stop living, we die. Maybe not physically, although I personally believe it speeds up the process, but certainly mentally. Thinking, doing (what we can), interacting, finding rainbows – it keeps us connected in a real way and that’s so important along our journeys.
Wishing you the brightest of rainbows along your wellness journey!
I. Heart. Yoga. I only discovered I did this past year. I don’t do it as often as I should and I am not terribly good at it, but I love it so. For at home DVDs I have everything Tamal Dodge has ever done. I haven’t progressed past the beginner as yet, but the others are waiting for me when I am ready. I went to a Shanti yoga retreat on Wolfe Island last summer for my 50th and it was the best, quietest weekend of healthy vegetarian eating and peace and meditation and yoga. I look forward to going again this year! There are many retreats to choose from, you should check it out. 🙂
I am not sure if it is my knee and hip that took away running from me or if I took away running from me, but I haven’t ran outside in ages. Noah and I are heading to Disney in the fall for his uni graduation and runDisney races are happening at the same time. I *think* I am going to try and give running another go. I just have to commit to getting myself back in shape a bit even before I start the 10K running program. Gah.
I love how you aren’t giving up and are open to trying new things to keep yourself active. It is a struggle for most of us on a good day and you are brave and strong for perservering. You should be very proud of yourself! x
So glad you are part of the tribe, Jaye! I’ve been thinking about trying out some yoga moves at home (when I get home). The gym I go to has limited options for classes after work. I’ll look into your recommendations, and a retreat is on my bucket list for sure! We should look into something together…
You are so right about starting exercising now to reach future goals. Can’t expect to run a 10K without starting at 1! Unrealistic expectations have always been a huge stumbling block for me, I’m trying to be way more cool about things these days but the curve is steep!
It’s rough losing something you love so much. I’ve been there. Stay strong, girl.
Thanks, W.A.
I totally agree! Sometimes it’s hard not to think we’re alone in our trials and tribulations, it helps to know others can and do understand!