August 2020 - Edith Lalonde

I’m Not Angry. I’m Not Hangry. I’m Paingry.

No. I’m not angry. No. I’m not hangry. I’m paingry.

A whole lot of paingry. I’m paingry because my back is spasming (again). I’m paingry because I need physiotherapy for my hip, but I can’t get in to see my doctor, and my phone consult is still three weeks away. I’m paingry because this pain flare-up seems to have no end in sight. And I’m paingry because I’m not motivated to help myself, clean the house, or finish this fucking blog.

There. I said it. I’m PAINGRY.

Yep. All caps PAINGRY.

CHRONIC PAIN SUCKS

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Chronic pain SUCKS. Whether you’ve suffered for three weeks, six months, twenty-five years, or longer—chronic pain can, and more often than not does, take a toll on your mental health.

It is NOT something to be ashamed of.

Studies show people with chronic pain experience depression and increased anxiety at twice the rate of the general population, often resulting in a lower health-related quality of life.

Living with chronic pain is stressful. Daily pain equals daily stress. Daily, or chronic, stress can change the levels of hormones and neurochemicals within your brain, affecting your mood, thinking, and behaviors. Picture chronic pain and stress like a computer virus attacking and damaging your central processor.

In other words, depression, anxiety, and moodiness is the result of altered brain-biology and is NOT something chronic pain sufferers can control.

It is NOT something I can control.

Much to my dismay.

MIND AND BODY ARE CONNECTED

When one is malfunctioning, the other is usually not too far behind. Pain can cause mental illness, and mental illness can cause pain. Vicious meet cycle. Not the merry-go-round you want to be on my friends.

Unfortunately, sometimes diagnosing and treating chronic pain conditions and associated mental health problems tests the medical community’s skills and abilities. Add in personal biases, heavy patient loads, and long wait times for referrals, and some patients may suffer for months or even years without proper physical and/or mental care.

Now add to that the general population’s lack of understanding of what chronic pain sufferers go through daily, and it’s no wonder we sometimes get PAINGRY.

And WARNING—unless you want to be on the receiving end of a paingry outburst, telling chronic pain sufferers to soldier on is risking a poke at the paingry bear most of us try to keep caged. Putting one foot in front of the other does not fix this shit, especially when that first step results in severe hip pain.

LIVING HEALTHY IS HARD WORK

Yes, there are things we can do to reduce our stress and improve our pain responses. No. I’m not doing any of those things at the moment.

Exercise – nope.

Health eating – nope.

Meditation – nope.

Talk therapy – nope.

Medication – nope.

Listen, I know what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but mentally, I’m not ready. And that’s okay. I’ve got time. I just wish I wasn’t so damn paingry with myself, because trust me, there’s no one harder on this chronic pain sufferer, than this chronic pain sufferer.

Yeah. The cycle is vicious, but I’m a bitch, so no worries.

I’ve got this.

Until the next (hopefully less paingry) blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 8/10.

Sharing is Caring!

Taking Stock

10 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / Edith / August 9, 2020

Hello there, Sharing is Caring Members!

Well, it’s been more than a hot minute since my last blog post. There are reasons for my absence, not sure we’ll cover them all today, but I wanted to get on here and say – YES, I’m still committed to sharing my wellness journey, and YES, I’m still in pain.

June and July were particularly difficult months for me, and I grappled with a number of setbacks I didn’t have the physical energy or mental capacity to deal with, much less write about.

When I started blogging in January, I had a basic idea about how this journey would go. It looked like a pretty straightforward march towards health and happiness with a lot of travel thrown in as incentive to be the healthiest me I could be.

Yes, I knew there would be challenges. Yes, I knew there would be stumbling blocks. Yes, I knew there would be the odd S-curve thrown in. In truth, these were meant to be fodder for the ramblings of my diabolical mind.

I did not anticipate a worldwide pandemic, or the impact COVID-19 would have on my mental and physical well-being.

Not gonna lie. I’ve been in the midst of a depression that has impacted my ability and desire to, for lack of better words, get shit done.

Yes. I said it.

Depression.

Given the stigma associated with the word, and many people’s poorly informed opinions about depression, it’s not something I admit easily or without a certain amount of trepidation.

Here’s the thing though, to move forward in my journey and continue with the blog, I felt I needed to be honest (with myself and incidentally with you) in sharing where I’m at.

To be clear, I have not been officially diagnosed with or treated for depression. It’s simply the word I use to describe my mental state and the impact my prolonged “low” mood is having on my life.

So what does depression mean to me?

The most common or basic definition of (Major) depression is feelings of anger, loss, or sadness lasting two weeks or more and interfering with a person’s everyday activities. See links above.

Symptoms (lasting two weeks or more) can include:

Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of appetite or overeating
Rapid weight loss or weight gain
Feelings of gloom, sadness, or grief
Low energy and fatigue
Loss of interest in regular or pleasurable activities
Reduced ability to concentrate or memory problems
Difficulty in making decisions
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
Constant worry or anxiety
Thoughts of death, self-harm, or suicide
Social withdrawal
Unexplained aches or pains

My symptoms (lasting two months or more) include:

Difficulty sleeping or staying asleep leading to low energy and fatigue
Overeating or emotional eating leading to weight gain
COVID related feelings of gloom and doom leading to anxiety about the future
Constant COVID related worry and thoughts of sickness and death (mine and others)
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities (writing)
Memory problems and reduced cognitive abilities
Increased aches and pains
A desire to socially withdraw (I am still out and about but it takes extra effort)

Yes. Safe to say, I have been (and continue to be) in a depressed state.

Truth.

It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last time, and it’s not something to be ashamed of.

I’m human. I have feelings. Things affect me – sometimes for prolonged periods. I can’t control it. Like the chronic pain I suffer from, there’s no snapping out of it. There’s no magic pill. Telling me I have much to be grateful for doesn’t help.

Along with the fibromyalgia and arthritis, depression is likely something I inherited from my parents, and they from their parents. There are other causes of depression as well, chronic pain being one of them, but we’ll get into that in another blog.

Bottom line. I’m depressed. Is this bout of depression COVID related? The answer is…probably.

Am I coming around?

Yes.

How do I know?

I’m writing again, and it feels good, so hopefully, more to come soon!

In the meantime, I hope you are all taking care of your mental and physical health while staying safe in this topsy turvy world.

Reminder, if anyone needs to chat or share, this forum is here for you. You can also drop me a line through the contact page! And don’t forget, there are many excellent resources out there if you need more support during this (or any) difficult time.

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 5/10.

Sharing is Caring!

Taking Stock Read More »