Living With Chronic Pain

Living life large with chronic pain. Tips, tricks, and and general bullshit!

WHAT IF…

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Greetings from Brindisi, Italy!

It’s been way more than a hot minute since my last blog post. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in developmental edits on my first soon-to-be-published novel. As a chronic pain warrior who has to manage her energy carefully, I’ve been putting all of my effort and brainpower toward reaching my indie publishing goal.

And it’s happening!

Book One in the Joint Task Team Series is back with the editor. The book title has been chosen, the back copy finalized, and the cover is under development. I will be a published author as of January 2022!

I’m freaking excited. And freaking nervous.

There are so many what-ifs when you take on any creative endeavor. So many opportunities for failure and criticism. What if I choose the wrong cover? What if the back copy doesn’t sell the book? What if the book sells and readers HATE it? What if I embarrass myself, my family, my dog? What if I’m a complete and total failure who just wasted years of her life and thousands of dollars pursuing a dream that is beyond reach?

Yeah, fuck you, what-ifs.

I’m doing this. Why? Because I can. I don’t want to be the person who didn’t dare to try because of fear of failure. I’m changing my narrative from what if to SO what if. So what if I fail? So what if I choose the wrong cover? So what if readers hate my story?

SO WHAT IF...

Nothing. That’s what.

Sure, I’ll be disappointed. Will I have learned? Hell yes. Will I try to do better next time? Hell yes. Can I choose a new cover? Pull the book and rewrite or rebrand at a later date? Try another story and another series? Hell yes.

The beauty is…if I’m willing to sit down and do the work of writing books to publish…I can do ANYTHING I want with those books.

They’re mine. They have my name on the cover. I own the rights.

Writing a book is hard work. For a person with chronic pain, sometimes accompanied by severe bouts of brain fog, writing a book can be an even greater challenge.

So why do it? Why make the effort? Why spend months with my butt in a chair stringing words together until a story forms and characters come to life?

Because growing up in a small town, reading was my escape. Because as a young mother of two, reading was my escape. Because as a person living with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, reading is STILL my escape.

The thousands of books I’ve read, the dozens of authors I love have stuck with me through good times and bad. Fictional characters don’t judge ME. They don’t try to fix ME. They’re simply there to entertain. To offer me a fantasy life that’s not my own.

I open a book, and an obsessed vampire saves me from my pain-filled existence and then cooks me dinner. I open a book, and a billionaire whisks me away on his yacht and then cooks me dinner. I open a book, and a hunky cowboy saves my ranch and then cooks me dinner.

You get the idea!

Writing is the same for me. I’m swept out of my everyday life into the worlds that exist inside my head. Putting words on paper is the culmination of years of making mental movies. Yes. Writing is hard work. It’s also an escape.

And hopefully, someday, somewhere, a reader will pick up one of my novels and find their escape, too.

Current discomfort level 3/10.

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Edith’s Super Simple Iced Coffee

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Ice – lots and lots of ice.

Cold brew of choice – I’ve been using Starbuck Cold Brew.

Unsweetened almond milk.

Jordan’s Skinny Syrup – I’ve been using the Salted Dark Chocolate Espresso.

Top with whipped toping of choice. I’ve been using the Starbucks Caramel Macchiato cream whipped with my handy dandy rechargeable whipper thingy.

Play with proportions until the flavor suits you!

That’s it. Told you it was super simple.

Low fat and somewhere between 100 and 150 calories.

Enjoy.

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If Only Chronic Pain Were CURABLE

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Hey, Everybody. What’s the word?

Let’s get the health updates out of the way, and then we can focus on the good stuff.

Shoulders – Improved. If you recall from an earlier post, I was diagnosed with Calcific Tendonitis in October 2020. I stared physiotherapy in November. I’m happy to report my shoulders are once again functioning, and I had my last appointment with the physiotherapist in March 2021. The key to keeping my discomfort level low and maintaining the use of my arms will be a daily stretching routine. To help me with this, I scheduled stretching into my daily work calendar. Is the Calcific Tendonitis gone? No. Is this something I will have to live and cope with from here on out…yes.

Neck and Back – Improved. Tight muscles. Back spasms. Buffalo hump. Soreness caused by poor posture, sitting at the computer for long hours, and Fibromyalgia. These are ongoing issues. Pain levels have been reduced and range of motion improved by stretching, wearing a posture correcting brace, and walking. Again, these issues will be ongoing, and the goal will always be maintaining range of motion and pain management.

Fibromyalgia – Improved. Had a flare in mid-February that resulted in some brain fog, low energy, eczema on my arms and legs, sleep difficulty, and low mood. It lasted about a month. I’m starting to come around now. The start of spring may have something to do with my improvements.

Wait There's More!

Hips – No change. Had my consult with the orthopaedic surgeon. I have hip labral tears in both hip joints. A hip labral tear is a tear in the cartilage (labrum) on the outside rim of your hip joint or socket. Meant to act as a cushion, the labrum helps to hold the ball at the top of your thighbone securely within your hip socket.

The sharp pain I feel when I move a certain way, or when my hip seizes while walking, is one or both thighbones popping out of position. Generally, labral tears don’t self-repair, and surgery is required. In my case, the surgeon doesn’t recommend surgery to repair the tears. Why? He has diagnosed advanced Osteoarthritis, and he’s concerned surgery will make my arthritis worse.

So what are my options? I have two. Option one – continue as I am for as long as possible. Option two – hip replacement surgery. For now, I have elected to continue as I am. This may change as my circumstances evolve.

Colon – When adults reach the age of 50, certain tests are ordered as a precautionary measure. For women, a breast exam and cancer colon screening are standard. When I turned 50 in January of 2020, the world was on the cusp of an international pandemic, and my tests were put on hold. Understandable under the circumstances.

Fast forward to February 2021. I received my FIT (Fecal Immunochemical Test) in the mail. It took me about a month to do the test. Not because it was hard. It’s not. Drag the poop stick through the poop. Doesn’t get much easier than that. I sat (pun intended) on the test because I knew what the results would be. Yep. I noticed blood in my stool a while back. I did the test on a Tuesday in March and dropped it off. My doctor called me less than 48 hours later. My test result was abnormal. Colonoscopy, here I come. My invasion is scheduled for April 16. I’ll let you know how it goes.

So that’s it as far as general health goes. You might think it’s a lot, but overall, I’m in a good place mentally and physically now that the Fibro fog is diminishing. To be honest, I anticipated the winter months to be much more challenging than they were. Yes, the abnormal FIT test is a little worrisome, but not much point in dwelling on it until the colonoscopy is done.

Now on to the good stuff!

I wanted to share my experience using the Curable App. Curable is an online pain psychology program designed to address pain using a biopsychosocial approach. What the fuck? Yeah, that’s pretty scientify. Basically, Curable helps chronic pain sufferers by encouraging us to change the way we think about pain.

Think of it as brain training.

Studies show our brains influence the physical sensations in our bodies. Imagine two people with identical injuries experiencing vastly different pain levels. My pain reaction to a poke in the arm will certainly not be the same as yours. My brain, nervous system, and body have been conditioned to respond a certain way by 26 years of living with chronic pain.

Does this mean the pain is all in my head? Hell no. As noted above, I have a host of health issues that cause chronic pain. However, one of the first lessons Curable taught me is that my pain is more than a physical reaction experienced by my body. Physiological, psychological, and social factors also influence my pain levels.

Say what? Yep. Let me explain.

With the aid of our nervous systems, our brains produce our pain responses—not the injury itself. Our brains make constant and instinctual decisions to keep us safe. As a result, it decides when to send pain signals, how much pain to send, and how long our pain should last.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever twisted your knee jumping up from a chair to escape a wasp hell-bent on jabbing you with its javelin-sized stinger? Did you feel the knee pain? Or did the pain come once the wasp was safely flattened like a pancake by the bug swatter?

Now imagine you’re deathly allergic to wasps, and you don’t have your epi-pen. Aren’t you glad your brain decided to delay the pain signal created by the twisted knee? That’s your brain looking out for you and deciding which of the potential pain threats was the bigger risk.

Pretty cool, huh.

So There's a Cure!

Nope. Not exactly. As a person who has suffered from chronic pain for half my life, my brain has developed overprotective tendencies and has become hyper-sensitive to pain threats.

I can feel pain from injuries that haven’t even happened yet. It’s true, ask my family. I often say “ow” before I even encounter the pain event. Imagine feeling pain before accidentally being hit by an elbow. My brain knows it’s coming, so it’s like—what the hell—let’s get this over with, and it sends the pain signal before the elbow connects with my arm.

So, what does this mean? Essentially—to treat our pain—we must treat our brain. This is where Curable can help. A self-paced, self-guided program designed to help sufferers break the brain/pain cycle by changing our neurological responses, Curable gets users thinking about pain in a different way.

Listen, redefining how we think about pain is not an overnight cure to the aches that plague us. It’s a process. Often an emotional, gut-wrenching look at past trauma’s, current stressors, and fears that can seem a little intimidating to the uninitiated. But that’s the great thing about Curable. You don’t have to leave your house. You don’t have to talk to a therapist who maybe isn’t the right fit for you. You don’t have to sit in another doctor’s office, dread pooling in the pit of your stomach.

You don’t have to wait for a referral to a pain management clinic that may never come… I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. In 26 years of living with chronic pain, I have never made it into a pain management program! Too few resources. Too many people in need.

Enter Curable.

Through a series of online lessons, activities, brain exercises, meditations, etc., chronic pain sufferers are guided along a healing path that is as individual as we are. All from the comfort of…well, anywhere. I’ve been dawdling along my own Curable path since January. Am I experiencing less pain? 100% yes. Is it gone completely? 100% no.

I have Fibromyalgia and Arthritis; my pain will never disappear completely. Can I live comfortably with the reduced levels of pain I’m now experiencing? Yep, you bet! Do I recommend Curable as an effective pain management/reduction tool? 

Absolutely, 100% YES!

So that, my Sharing is Caring Friends is where I’m at. How about you? Anyone trying Curable and want to share their experience. Anyone thinking about trying Curable and want to ask a question. Hit me up, send an email, add a comment! 

Until the next blog—breathe deep chronic pain WARRIORS!

Current discomfort level 4/10.

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If It’s Not This…It Might be That.

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When you’ve had as many x-rays, MRIs, ultrasounds, blood tests, doctor referrals, emergency room visits, hospital stays, and prescriptions as I have, you’ll appreciate it when I say I wish there were a better way.

Until my recent ultrasound identified calcific tendonitis in my left shoulder, the vast majority of tests showed no significant indicators of disease or issues associated with the symptoms or pain levels I experience.

Welcome to the wonderful world of— we don’t have a clue what’s wrong with you.

What Hurts You Say?

Essentially, my early diagnosis of Fibromyalgia is the one that stuck, and I, along with my doctors, have ascribed every ache since then to a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain. If it hurts, it must be the fibro. Tired? Fibro. Brain malfunctioning to the point of limited ability to speak? Fibro.

Over the years, I’ve used the services of naturopaths, weight specialists, chiropractors, rheumatologists, physiotherapists, and massage therapists. The one specialist I haven’t been able to get a referral for is…you guessed it…a pain specialist.

Despite the long, and at times disheartening, journey through a medical system designed to treat specific conditions as opposed to pain, every new round of diagnostic tests still elicits a small flare of hope for an answer to my pain problems.

And yep, hope once again flared in January when I went for an MRI of my left hip. Persistent pain and walking problems have plagued me for several years, and my earliest hip x-ray on record dates back to 2013.

The 2013 x-ray, and all subsequent visual imaging tests, did not reveal the cause of my problem. Not the case for the 2021 MRI. The results are in, and I have a muscle tear. Not a big deal. Except it won’t heal on it’s own, it interferes with my ability to walk, and it probably requires Orthopedic surgery because it’s on the inside of my hip. My consult with the surgeon is next week. I’ll update you on how that goes.

Now here’s the thing—yes—repairing a muscle tear should allow me to walk like a normal human. It should also reduce localized pain in the area. However, it won’t do jack shit for my everyday aches and pains.

Well, That's a Relief...Or is it?

Right about now, I should be feeling pretty discouraged.

I don’t.

I feel pretty-damn-good, which is weird for me. It’s mid-winter. There’s snow on the ground. Cold temperatures are freezing my arse. And we’re in the middle of a fucking pandemic. So why am I smiling? Quick, somebody call a doctor!

Oh, wait. Scratch that. Been there. Sat in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. Have the medical records to prove it.

I’m smiling because compared to this time last year, my pain has indeed gone down. Who? What? Why? How is this even possible?

I’ll be honest with you. I’m not doing anything drastically different. I just modified my approach a little and decided to apply my small target mindset to my 2021 health goal.

For the Calcific Tendonitis shoulder pain, I started physiotherapy and set a goal to stretch a little more every day. My shoulder is now almost pain-free.

I started wearing a back brace to correct my posture. I added in gentle neck and back stretching exercises under the direction of my physiotherapist. My neck is doing much better. My back is improving but is still a work in progress.

I started walking on the treadmill for my overall mental and physical health while doing some writing tasks: two birds—one stone. Go me.

Recently, I started back with some gentle yoga. Roy and I now do yoga together, helping me achieve my 2021 goal of better quality family time. Once again—two birds—one stone!

I also changed my pill-popping habits. I added Cymbalta to assist with pain reduction but not in the recommended dosage. I take 20 mg a day as opposed to 60 mg. So far, I think the lower dose contributes to my pain reduction, but without the brain buzz I usually associate with SSRIs. I also take magnesium, biotin, and vitamin B and D daily. If I feel a flare is coming on, I’ll take 30 mg of Naproxen.

So all this to say, it’s mid-February, and I’m still focused on and working toward achieving the goals I set for 2021! Like I said in the January blog—it’s a new year—and the same old me. My pain, while slowly becoming more manageable, will never be gone entirely. That’s okay. I’m learning some new ways to cope, which brings me to next months blog content.

The Power of a Positive Mindset

My genius sister, chronic pain expert, Dr. Diane, hooked me up with a subscription for a fantastic app. It’s called CURABLE, and it’s a different approach for managing chronic pain. It has certainly had a positive impact on my discomfort level and may very well help you with managing yours, too.

If you’re already using Curable, or you have some positive tips and tricks to share with the community, leave a comment below. We’d love to hear about what’s working for you. Also, if you have any questions about my wellness journey, or just want to connect, feel free to send me an email.

Until the next blog—breathe deep chronic pain WARRIORS!

Current discomfort level 5/10.

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New Year – Same Old Me – Only Better

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Hello 2021! Let’s make some diabolical plans, shall we?

Actually scratch that. I set my goals for 2021 in December of 2020. Like most people who make New Year’s Resolutions, in my previous life, I set unrealistic, unachievable, and immeasurable goals, and then judged myself harshly for failing to accomplish the impossible.

My resolutions were usually something along the lines of “This year, I’m going to be THE BEST ME EVER.” Which meant the skinniest me, healthiest me, most athletic me, funniest me, happiest me, prettiest me, most creative me, most successful me, the friendliest me, the…well you get the idea. Wanting to be THE BEST ME EVER was setting myself up for failure. I had a vague and lofty goal with no plan for how I was meant to achieve it. Worse, I was also telling the old me she wasn’t good enough.

Well guess what, I decided the old me IS good enough, and that alone has freed me up to lay out a set of achievable goals for 2021.

What spurred this change of view?

Glad you asked. I mentioned previously, I joined a writing group in September of 2020 and through participating in some challenges and connecting with other authors, I garnered some new insight about myself and learned some valuable lessons.

The first big decision I made for 2021 happened in early October 2020. Say what? YEP. I decided I would self-publish the first book in my romantic suspense series before December 31, 2021.

Woohoo! I’m fulfilling my dream of being a published author! Not only did I decide to publish book one, but I committed to writing and publishing books two and three in 2022. Now you may be thinking 2022 is way far off, but is it? Is it really?

In the world of writing and publishing, 2022 is right around the corner, so if I’m not planning for it now, I definitely won’t be ready when it arrives! And that’s the crux of what I learned from my decision to REALIZE my first goal—I needed a solid plan—because here’s the deal…I don’t know a damn thing about self-publishing.

So I hit the Internet and did some research. I found some excellent YouTube resources, and I asked a lot of questions in my writing group. They all pointed me in the same direction. To achieve my self-publishing goals I had to develop a comprehensive daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly schedule of achievable targets.

Not only did I need to know where I wanted to go in 2021, I needed to map out what to do to get there, how to do it, what time and resources would be required, and how I would measure my success.

Smart Planning or Planning Smart?

Now here’s the thing, most people, myself included, have more than one goal at a time. The happy news is this type of planning applies to ALL goals. In my case, when I took a serious look inward, I discovered I had four main priorities for 2021. These are in no particular order:

  • Writing and self-publishing
  • Working on health and wellness
  • Maintaining the Sharing is Caring Blog
  • Focussing on quality family time

Here’s a quick breakdown of the steps I followed using the SMART method (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time based). Below is the Cliff Notes version of my planning work for the Sharing is Caring Blog. This is high level and doesn’t represent the full amount of work that went into my planning for 2021!

  1. Review previous year wins, and decide what you will and won’t take into the next year.
    • For example – the Sharing is Caring Blog was a win for me in 2020. I decided to take it into 2021 with some modifications.
    • I won’t be doing a weekly accountability post on the Sharing is Caring Blog because the content is not of value to followers.
  2. Brainstorm your new goals.
    • Make sure your goals are truly what you want because achieving them involves work!
    • Keep your goals to a small achievable number.
  3. Create a mission statement for each goal. Mission statements should start with a concrete I will statement, be brief (25 – 50 words), be clear and concise.
    • For example – I will consistently publish quality content on the Sharing is Caring blog that followers will benefit from, be entertained by, and engage with, to continue building a supportive community of like minded chronic discomfort warriors.
  4. Identify the key activities that need to be completed to achieve each goal.
    • Publish one blog per month (minimum).
    • Revamp newsletter.
    • Improve quality and content of blogs.
    • Grow community by 10%.
  5. Identify how you will complete the key activities.
    • Schedule blog writing time.
    • Schedule blog post dates.
    • Make content beneficial to followers by adding value add content in the form of links/resources/etc.
    • Continue to pursue publishing on The Mighty.
    • Continue positive engagement with followers.
    • Continue promoting blog on other social media sites.
  6. Identify the resources you need to achieve your goal (time, money, support). Hours per month are per blog post. You can see how multiple posts can add up to a significant amount of time.
    • 5 hours per month to write, edit, format, post blog.
    • 1 hour per month to maintain website.
    • 2 – 5 hours per month to schedule social media posts.
    • 2 – 5 hours per month for up-skilling (learning new tech, learning how to create good newsletters, etc.)
    • $100.00 per year to maintain website.
  7. Create metrics to measure your progress toward achieving your goal.
    • Monthly blog posted.
    • Positive follower response to revamped newsletter.
    • Continued follower engagement on blog.
    • Increase in newsletter subscribers by 5 people.
  8. Identify who needs to know about each goal.
    • People involved in the actual execution of the goal. Web designers, editors, etc. In the case of the Sharing is Caring blog that’s me!
    • Your support crowd. Family, friends, other chronic discomfort bloggers. That’s you! My goal of achieving a welcoming community of fellow warriors is NOTHING without people to share it with.

More to come!

Like I said, it was a lot of work to get to a clear goal for the Sharing is Caring blog for 2021, but I enjoyed the process and now have a specific direction in which to focus my time and effort.

I even made a 2021 Vision Board – see below – the travel pics to Rwanda or an island beach were included as something to look forward to, but no set travel goal was made because…you know COVID.

So, it’s been a year, and we’ve made it this far – yay us – really happy to have all of you still on this journey with me.

Let’s see what we can accomplish together in 2021!

How about you? Did you make plans to achieve your goals this year? Would you be interested in the goal planning work sheet I used to create my plan for this year? I’m working on finding a way to link it to the blog, but that’s one of those techy things I need to learn. If you want it, and would like it sooner than later, drop a comment below, or send me an email and I’ll get it to you.

Since this blog is getting long, I’ll wrap things up here, but leave you with a little hint about what’s coming up next.

Until the next blog – breathe deep chronic pain WARRIORS!

Current discomfort level 5/10.

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2020 – A Year of What the Fuck Just Happened?

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Hello, My Lovelies!

Egad! It’s the end of December and coming up on the one year anniversary of starting my wellness journey and sharing my chronic pain story with all of you. I had great intentions when I created my new website and posted my first blog on January 1st, 2020.

Great intentions!

Yes. COVID happened. Life changed. I took on a new job. Life changed. Other shit happened. Life changed. Basically—life got in the way of me achieving my goals.

Insert sound of screeching breaks here!

Ah, excuse me? Nope. No can do, Mrs. Magoo. 

Life did not get in the way of you achieving your goals.

You Know The Saying...

No! Not That One. This One...

Truth Be Told...I Did Both.

I had intentions, I had goals, I had dreams. I also had no fucking clue what I was doing, why I was doing it, or in which direction I needed to go.

How I was going to get there? Not even on my radar. How much time and resources I had to dedicate to my non-existent plans? No clue.

I had a vague goal to start a Chronic Pain Blog. I did it. Huzzah!! Success. Did it achieve what I wanted it to? A heartfelt YES, and a resounding NO.

Do I want to continue?

Not gonna lie, the cursor blinked for multiple heartbeats at the end of that last question. 

Blogs are hard work – writing, drafting, formatting, picture finding, posting, engaging with readers, promoting, marketing, plus all the things I’m forgetting because—you know—Fibro induced brain fog.

So? Knowing what I know now, do I want to continue?

You bet your 2021 goal-planning ass, I do.

New Year. New Goals.

Here’s the deal though, in addition to connecting with all of you through this community, I have other things I want to accomplish in 2021. 

BIG things. LIFE changing things. The happy news is, I learned a lot over the last year, and I figured out how to fit the Fuck Me I Just Want to Feel Better Blog into my plans for the future.

All this to say, change is coming. I have a written plan. A vision board. Good intentions backed by a comprehensive daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly schedule of achievable targets.

I know where I want to go in 2021, what I need to do to get there, how I will do it, what time and resources will be required, and a way to measure my success. I also have a support team – including all of you!

I’m excited for 2021. It’s going to be a challenging year in many ways, but also one filled with reward and joy as well. Hope you stick with me on my journey, and who knows, you may find yourself laughing at my ridiculousness along the way!

What about you? How are you planning to reach your goals next year? Would love to lend my support and cheer you on as well!

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 9/10.

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Weight Bias Vs. Chronic Pain

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My weight fluctuates. Always has. Always will.

As a kid, I was considered chunky. As a teen, I was labeled athletic. As a young adult, and busy mother, my weight hovered somewhere between 120 and 140 lbs. As an older adult, and haggard working mom, that number increased and my weight bounced between 150 and 199 lbs.

I’ve been skinny. I’ve been larger. I’ve been obese (according to the assorted height/weight charts I’ve consulted over the years).

I have rocked some seriously sexy curves, and my extra curves have sometimes seriously rocked me.

Here’s the thing though—the real truth—not once EVER was I pain-free in all the years my weight fluctuated.

Fibromyalgia doesn’t care if you’re a size 8 or 18. Neither does Arthritis. Or Calcific Tendonitis. Or any of the other pain issues I’ve had or still have. The number on the scale is not the determining factor behind my chronically itchy skin, disgusting night sweats, or debilitating brain fog.

My hips aren’t giving out because I’m currently overweight by about 50 lbs. It’s not the reason my ankles don’t bend, or my shoulder’s keep me awake at night. For sure, the extra weight doesn’t help my situation, but it is not the CAUSE of my pain.

It is not the cause of YOUR pain either.

And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

Medical Bias

There are biases in the medical community. Not just among the white male echelon either. All physicians are human. Therefore, all physicians have biases (some more than others).

That pretty teenager? A hypochondriac looking for attention going by the number of vague symptoms she has. That young black man complaining of exhaustion, shortness of breath, and fever? Probably just doesn’t want to work. That older woman in the hospital emergency room with a sore back. Well, duh. She’s obese.

WRONG.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

The teenager has an appendix about to burst. The young black man has Sickle Cell Disease. The older obese woman, stage-4 breast cancer.

True stories.

It’s sad and disheartening, but research shows weight bias continues to exist across the spectrum of health care. Doctors, nurses, psychologists, dieticians, technologists, specialists—biased attitudes can, and sometimes do, cause harm to patients who present with higher body weights.

On the brighter side, more and more health care professionals are becoming aware of the existence of their own personal weight biases and recognize it as an issue that can no longer be ignored.

So, I’ll just say this and move on. If your pain and/or symptoms are ever brushed off by a medical professional due to your weight (under or over), get a second opinion, and if necessary, a third. Be vocal. No one knows your body better than you do!

Personal Bias

Now here’s the dark side of weight bias associated with chronic pain. It exists EVERYWHERE. On the street, at work, in the gym, in your home.

What the fuck? In your home.

Yes.

In. Your. Home.

I’ll preface this next section by saying I love my husband. He’s a good guy. A good husband. A good father.

He’s also biased as fuck when it comes to me, and my weight. He wants me to be healthier. He wants me to be happier. He thinks losing weight will make those things happen. He’s right. 

But he’s so very wrong, too.

What he doesn’t get—truly does not get—is that I will never be pain-free. He just can’t wrap his head around it. Why? Because he’s never experienced it. Also because a life of chronic pain is not something he wants for me.

Trust me. If Roy could take away my pain by sheer force of will, he would.

He can’t.

Doesn’t stop him from wanting to help by trying to police what I eat (he’s a police officer – it comes naturally to him). Doesn’t stop him from voicing opinions that are wrong.

Just like the fact that loving him doesn’t stop me from going ballistic when he makes a stupid comment. For example, on our too long walk when my hip gave out and he mumbled something about all of us having to deal with the aches and pains of getting older, and maybe if I lost some weight…

UHH. NO.

My hip problems are not me getting older or me carrying too much weight. It’s Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Tendonitis, and who the fuck knows what else (MRI scheduled for November).

By the time I was done educating him, at a rather high decibel, he had a slightly better understanding of my pain and how I felt about his bias towards it. Is he completely reformed? Hell no.

Should I have started the education process twenty years ago? Hell yes. That’s on me.

It was a moment. Not a good one. We’re over it. Will it happen again—sure. Why? Because we’re both stubborn, mule-headed beings, who want the best for and best from each other.

Plus, make no mistake—chronic pain or not—I’m not the easiest chick to live with.

Fix It and Be Done With It

If losing weight won’t take away my pain, why then am I trying to shed 40 lbs?

Multiple reasons:

  • Obesity can increase the risk of other more severe diseases such as diabetes, heart disease/stroke, and cancer.
  • Obesity causes additional stress on an already stressed body, leading to higher levels of chronic pain. Do I believe losing weight will reduce my pain—yes. Eliminate my pain—no.
  • Obesity is hard on my mental health. When I’m overweight, my belief in my self-worth plummets. This is a me thing. By acknowledging it, I take some power back from the inner voice that likes to criticize.
  • Obesity impacts my sleep. I give this one to Roy. Yes. I snore viciously when I’m overweight.
  • Obesity takes away my personal style. I have a closet full of clothes I love and shoes I had to have. I want to be able to wear them ALL.
  • Obesity threatens the retirement I envision for myself. Travel. Hiking. Adventure.

Bottom line—I feel better, I look better, and I have greater confidence when my weight is closer to 160 than 200 lbs.

Yeah. I’ve lost weight before. Like I said, my weight fluctuates. The good thing is I’m experienced in the weight loss department, and I’m determined to do it again. One pound at a time.

How about you? Ever experience any prejudice due to weight bias? If you feel up to it, tell us, what did you do to manage the situation?

Thanks for coming along on my wellness journey!

Until the next blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 7/10.

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When Too Much is TOO MUCH

16 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

Hey there, Sharing is Caring Members!

Been a while, but I haven’t forgotten you. September was a blur. Gone in the blink of an eye.

Anyone else experience this fast forward, what the hell, where did the time go phenomenon?

No? Just me? Alrighty then…

Time for a wellness journey update.

As you can probably tell from the general sassiness of this blog, my depression has finally lifted. I’m feeling motivated and recharged. Then again, fall does that to me. It’s my favorite season. October my favorite month. Hellooo, sweater weather, warm booties, crisp apples, fall decorating, and Halloween.

So What’s New?

Well, for starters, I’m writing again, working on book two in the Joint Task Team series. I have made a conscious decision to self-publish book one in the fall of 2021, and want to have book two waiting in the wings ready to go. When I think about all the work, time, and money investment that goes along with becoming an indie author, I get overwhelmed—FAST!

But here’s the thing, last month, I participated in a thirty-day Accountability Challenge. Designed to get participants moving towards their goals, the challenge offered an opportunity to make and report on daily targets, learn what works and doesn’t work for our personal circumstances, and find ways to keep moving forward amid so much uncertainty in the world.

What I learned, or maybe already knew, but the challenge solidified for me, is that my bigger goals easily overwhelm me. The finish line, an ever-moving target with scary as fuck unknowns lurking behind every door, is intimidating.

If I self-publish, will people like my books? Will the money I spend on book covers, marketing, professional editing be wasted? Will all my reviews be scathing? Am I a fraud? Will I ever finish writing another novel in a series?

Will I… Will I… Will I…

And on and on I go.

The self-doubt is crippling.

So what did I do to set myself up for success? I set my daily targets low. Today I will write one page. Today I will start a new scene. Today I will do my best to make it through this workday without maiming anyone. Today I will read this new book. Today I will finish writing this chapter.

Well, guess what? My passion for writing was rekindled. Creativity returned. My productivity went up. My mood stabilized. My crippling fear took a back seat. And super happy to report, most days, I exceeded my writing target, and on the days I didn’t, I didn’t beat myself up over it, which is new for me!

Lesson learned—give myself reasonable, achievable targets that move me in the direction of the bigger goal.

Got it. I can do this shit.

So What’s Next?

Yes. I already knew accountability was an important factor in achieving my goals. It’s why I lost fifty pounds when I joined Weight Watchers all those years ago, and why I started this chronic pain blog last January. But we all get lost sometimes, bogged down by life. Beat up by our own personal demons.

2020 didn’t go the way I imagined. When I started my wellness journey, I didn’t anticipate being completely derailed by a worldwide pandemic. I started working longer and longer days, started working weekends, started gaining weight, started feeling dejected, isolated, and hopeless, started suffering from increasing pain levels.

Summer slipped past me, largely unnoticed.

Then September hit, I signed up for the Accountability Challenge, and I was reminded, when I set small goals for myself, with some sort of daily or weekly check-in, I usually meet or surpass my targets.

So, I’m doing it again.

I’m restating my intentions. 2020 is not over. I’m still on my wellness journey. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, it’s time to refocus.

My goals: (Not in any particular order)

Goal: Write and post two blogs in October.

Target: Write and post this blog on October 1. WOO-HOO! Nailed it. Target achieved.

Goal: Lose the COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound this week.

Goal: Repair the damaged tooth that is ripping the shit out of my tongue.

Target: Make a dentist appointment. WOO-HOO! Appointment made. Target Achieved.

Goal: Reduce the physical pain I’m in.

Target: Eliminate bread from diet to reduce inflammation starting today.

Goal: Work towards the completion of the current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages by next week.

Small Doable Targets.

That’s it. Small doable targets to manage those thoughts and feelings that overwhelm, leading to action paralysis. 

As for accountability? Well, I stated my intentions here for a reason. I’ll pop back in to let you know how the above went.

There’s more (of course, there’s always more) I need to do to get my wellness journey back on track and my pain under control, but I’m taking baby steps. And yeah, WINTER is coming, and you all know I’m not the Queen of the North, so that’s a niggling worry in the back of my mind.

For now, I’m feeling good. Which is to say, I’m in pain, but I’m optimistic, even though I’m positive today’s x-ray and ultrasound will not indicate anything abnormal with my too sore to move left shoulder.

How about you? How’s everyone coping? How do you set your goals? Big chunks or small? What have you accomplished that you’re happy with/proud of/just wanted to get fucking done?

Anyway…that’s it for now, friends. Hope everyone is staying safe and sane!

Until the next blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 7/10.

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I’m Not Angry. I’m Not Hangry. I’m Paingry.

6 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

No. I’m not angry. No. I’m not hangry. I’m paingry.

A whole lot of paingry. I’m paingry because my back is spasming (again). I’m paingry because I need physiotherapy for my hip, but I can’t get in to see my doctor, and my phone consult is still three weeks away. I’m paingry because this pain flare-up seems to have no end in sight. And I’m paingry because I’m not motivated to help myself, clean the house, or finish this fucking blog.

There. I said it. I’m PAINGRY.

Yep. All caps PAINGRY.

CHRONIC PAIN SUCKS

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Chronic pain SUCKS. Whether you’ve suffered for three weeks, six months, twenty-five years, or longer—chronic pain can, and more often than not does, take a toll on your mental health.

It is NOT something to be ashamed of.

Studies show people with chronic pain experience depression and increased anxiety at twice the rate of the general population, often resulting in a lower health-related quality of life.

Living with chronic pain is stressful. Daily pain equals daily stress. Daily, or chronic, stress can change the levels of hormones and neurochemicals within your brain, affecting your mood, thinking, and behaviors. Picture chronic pain and stress like a computer virus attacking and damaging your central processor.

In other words, depression, anxiety, and moodiness is the result of altered brain-biology and is NOT something chronic pain sufferers can control.

It is NOT something I can control.

Much to my dismay.

MIND AND BODY ARE CONNECTED

When one is malfunctioning, the other is usually not too far behind. Pain can cause mental illness, and mental illness can cause pain. Vicious meet cycle. Not the merry-go-round you want to be on my friends.

Unfortunately, sometimes diagnosing and treating chronic pain conditions and associated mental health problems tests the medical community’s skills and abilities. Add in personal biases, heavy patient loads, and long wait times for referrals, and some patients may suffer for months or even years without proper physical and/or mental care.

Now add to that the general population’s lack of understanding of what chronic pain sufferers go through daily, and it’s no wonder we sometimes get PAINGRY.

And WARNING—unless you want to be on the receiving end of a paingry outburst, telling chronic pain sufferers to soldier on is risking a poke at the paingry bear most of us try to keep caged. Putting one foot in front of the other does not fix this shit, especially when that first step results in severe hip pain.

LIVING HEALTHY IS HARD WORK

Yes, there are things we can do to reduce our stress and improve our pain responses. No. I’m not doing any of those things at the moment.

Exercise – nope.

Health eating – nope.

Meditation – nope.

Talk therapy – nope.

Medication – nope.

Listen, I know what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but mentally, I’m not ready. And that’s okay. I’ve got time. I just wish I wasn’t so damn paingry with myself, because trust me, there’s no one harder on this chronic pain sufferer, than this chronic pain sufferer.

Yeah. The cycle is vicious, but I’m a bitch, so no worries.

I’ve got this.

Until the next (hopefully less paingry) blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 8/10.

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