Weight Bias Vs. Chronic Pain

2 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

My weight fluctuates. Always has. Always will.

As a kid, I was considered chunky. As a teen, I was labeled athletic. As a young adult, and busy mother, my weight hovered somewhere between 120 and 140 lbs. As an older adult, and haggard working mom, that number increased and my weight bounced between 150 and 199 lbs.

I’ve been skinny. I’ve been larger. I’ve been obese (according to the assorted height/weight charts I’ve consulted over the years).

I have rocked some seriously sexy curves, and my extra curves have sometimes seriously rocked me.

Here’s the thing though—the real truth—not once EVER was I pain-free in all the years my weight fluctuated.

Fibromyalgia doesn’t care if you’re a size 8 or 18. Neither does Arthritis. Or Calcific Tendonitis. Or any of the other pain issues I’ve had or still have. The number on the scale is not the determining factor behind my chronically itchy skin, disgusting night sweats, or debilitating brain fog.

My hips aren’t giving out because I’m currently overweight by about 50 lbs. It’s not the reason my ankles don’t bend, or my shoulder’s keep me awake at night. For sure, the extra weight doesn’t help my situation, but it is not the CAUSE of my pain.

It is not the cause of YOUR pain either.

And don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

Medical Bias

There are biases in the medical community. Not just among the white male echelon either. All physicians are human. Therefore, all physicians have biases (some more than others).

That pretty teenager? A hypochondriac looking for attention going by the number of vague symptoms she has. That young black man complaining of exhaustion, shortness of breath, and fever? Probably just doesn’t want to work. That older woman in the hospital emergency room with a sore back. Well, duh. She’s obese.

WRONG.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

The teenager has an appendix about to burst. The young black man has Sickle Cell Disease. The older obese woman, stage-4 breast cancer.

True stories.

It’s sad and disheartening, but research shows weight bias continues to exist across the spectrum of health care. Doctors, nurses, psychologists, dieticians, technologists, specialists—biased attitudes can, and sometimes do, cause harm to patients who present with higher body weights.

On the brighter side, more and more health care professionals are becoming aware of the existence of their own personal weight biases and recognize it as an issue that can no longer be ignored.

So, I’ll just say this and move on. If your pain and/or symptoms are ever brushed off by a medical professional due to your weight (under or over), get a second opinion, and if necessary, a third. Be vocal. No one knows your body better than you do!

Personal Bias

Now here’s the dark side of weight bias associated with chronic pain. It exists EVERYWHERE. On the street, at work, in the gym, in your home.

What the fuck? In your home.

Yes.

In. Your. Home.

I’ll preface this next section by saying I love my husband. He’s a good guy. A good husband. A good father.

He’s also biased as fuck when it comes to me, and my weight. He wants me to be healthier. He wants me to be happier. He thinks losing weight will make those things happen. He’s right. 

But he’s so very wrong, too.

What he doesn’t get—truly does not get—is that I will never be pain-free. He just can’t wrap his head around it. Why? Because he’s never experienced it. Also because a life of chronic pain is not something he wants for me.

Trust me. If Roy could take away my pain by sheer force of will, he would.

He can’t.

Doesn’t stop him from wanting to help by trying to police what I eat (he’s a police officer – it comes naturally to him). Doesn’t stop him from voicing opinions that are wrong.

Just like the fact that loving him doesn’t stop me from going ballistic when he makes a stupid comment. For example, on our too long walk when my hip gave out and he mumbled something about all of us having to deal with the aches and pains of getting older, and maybe if I lost some weight…

UHH. NO.

My hip problems are not me getting older or me carrying too much weight. It’s Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, Tendonitis, and who the fuck knows what else (MRI scheduled for November).

By the time I was done educating him, at a rather high decibel, he had a slightly better understanding of my pain and how I felt about his bias towards it. Is he completely reformed? Hell no.

Should I have started the education process twenty years ago? Hell yes. That’s on me.

It was a moment. Not a good one. We’re over it. Will it happen again—sure. Why? Because we’re both stubborn, mule-headed beings, who want the best for and best from each other.

Plus, make no mistake—chronic pain or not—I’m not the easiest chick to live with.

Fix It and Be Done With It

If losing weight won’t take away my pain, why then am I trying to shed 40 lbs?

Multiple reasons:

  • Obesity can increase the risk of other more severe diseases such as diabetes, heart disease/stroke, and cancer.
  • Obesity causes additional stress on an already stressed body, leading to higher levels of chronic pain. Do I believe losing weight will reduce my pain—yes. Eliminate my pain—no.
  • Obesity is hard on my mental health. When I’m overweight, my belief in my self-worth plummets. This is a me thing. By acknowledging it, I take some power back from the inner voice that likes to criticize.
  • Obesity impacts my sleep. I give this one to Roy. Yes. I snore viciously when I’m overweight.
  • Obesity takes away my personal style. I have a closet full of clothes I love and shoes I had to have. I want to be able to wear them ALL.
  • Obesity threatens the retirement I envision for myself. Travel. Hiking. Adventure.

Bottom line—I feel better, I look better, and I have greater confidence when my weight is closer to 160 than 200 lbs.

Yeah. I’ve lost weight before. Like I said, my weight fluctuates. The good thing is I’m experienced in the weight loss department, and I’m determined to do it again. One pound at a time.

How about you? Ever experience any prejudice due to weight bias? If you feel up to it, tell us, what did you do to manage the situation?

Thanks for coming along on my wellness journey!

Until the next blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 7/10.

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Accountability Update – Week 2

4 Comments / Accountability Update / /

Hey there, Sharing is Caring People!

Well, we’re doin’ this! Let the updating commence.

Mini-goals for the week starting Thursday Oct 8, 2020:

Increase physical fitness activities.

Target 1: Do one 20 – 30 min cardio session (bike or treadmill). Accomplished. 20 min bike session. Plus, added a 60 min walk with Roy on Sunday, and…it was too much, my hip gave out in the end. Should have stayed around the 30/40 min mark. Also added a 40 min walk with Roy on Wednesday. Had leg cramps at the end, but wasn’t so bad.

Target 2: Do one yoga/mindfulness session. Accomplished. Completed one 20 min yoga/mindfulness session. It was PAINFUL, especially in the shoulder area. Here’s the link if you are interested.

Prepare gardens for winter.

Target: Clean out two garden beds before Monday. Accomplished. Cleaned out all five garden beds, and…it was too much. Paid for it big time with a sore back and shoulders for the remainder of the week.

Reduce physical pain.

Target 1: Move into modified Keto diet (no bread, no sugar). Mostly accomplished. Ate some dark chocolate.

Target 2: Reduce Diet Coke consumption to no more than 3 cans for the week. Accomplished. Drank all three cans from Friday night to Sunday morning. Need to work on my approach! Can NOT WAIT to have a can tonight! LOL.

Work towards completion of current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages this week. Accomplished! Wrote more than five pages and completed a new scene. Happy. Happy. Happy!

Lose COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound this week. Accomplished! Lost 2 pounds. Current weight is 194.

Figure out what a calcific tendonitis diagnosis means for me.

Target: Call to make a follow up doctor appointment. Accomplished. Phone appointment scheduled.

Lessons Learned

Keep physical targets small. Trying to do too much is TOO MUCH! Yes, it was nice to get all the gardens done in one day, but the physical toll on my body was too high. Same goes for the extra long walk. Some weekends I may be able to do all that and more, but this past weekend wasn’t that weekend, and I knew it when I started.

Happy for the weight loss. Not doing much, other than watching what I eat. So, we’ll see if the downward trend continues.

On that note…

Goals for the next week:

Physical fitness activities.

Target 1: Do two 20 – 30 min cardio session (includes walking).

Target 2: Do one yoga/mindfulness session

House cleaning.

Target: Clean main floor.

Work towards the completion of the current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages this week.

Lose the COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound.

Blog.

Target: Write and post blog number two for October.

That’s it for now, friends. Hope everyone is staying COVID safe and being mindful of your mental and physical health. If you’re up for participating, drop us a line to tell us how you’re doing with your personal goals! Would love to cheer you on.

Until the next update—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 7/10.

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Accountability Update – Week 1

10 Comments / Accountability Update / /

Hey Everybody,

Spent some time thinking about accountability this past week and decided, if I state my weekly goals, I should probably update on my progress.

So here it is! Week one progress update.

My goals for the week starting Thursday Oct 1, 2020 were to:

Goal: Write and post two blogs in October.

Target: Write and post a blog on October 1. Goal accomplished – Thinking commenced on subject of blog post 2.

Goal: Lose the COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound this week. Goal accomplished. Lost 1.4 pounds – current weight 196 pounds. Yes! You read that right. More on the stigma associated with obesity and chronic pain to come.

Goal: Repair the damaged tooth that is ripping the shit out of my tongue.

Target: Make a dentist appointment this week. Goal accomplished. Dentist appointment was on Oct 7. My tongue is still shredded, hoping that resolves this week.

Goal: Reduce the physical pain I’m in.

Target: Eliminate bread from diet. Goal partially accomplished. I broke down and had two crumpets yesterday. (Roy made French toast with them – they smelled so good!)

Goal: Work towards the completion of the current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages in one week. Goal accomplished. Seven pages completed. YAY!

SUCCESS!

Establishing small doable targets works for me, but accountability (to someone other than myself) is key.

So, I’m doin’ it again.

Here are my goals for the next week.

Goal: Increase physical fitness activities.

Target 1: Do one 20 – 30 min cardio session (bike or treadmill).

Target 2: Do one yoga/mindfulness session (Lyse and Diane shared links with the group).

Goal: Prepare gardens for winter.

Target: Clean out two garden beds before Monday.

Goal: Reduce the physical pain I’m in.

Target 1: Move into modified Keto diet (no bread, no sugar).

Target 2: Reduce Diet Coke consumption to no more than 3 cans for the week.

Goal: Work towards the completion of the current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages this week.

Goal: Lose the COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound this week.

Totally doable! Will let you know how I make out with an accountability update next week (also a goal).

Shoulder X-ray/Ultrasound Update:

Since I’m here, I thought I’d give you an update of the results of my x-ray/ultrasound appointment.

As you know, I went to my appointment fully expecting to be disappointed in the negative—we don’t see anything wrong—results. Well, that didn’t happen. The ultrasound technician found “a large chunk of calcium that must be really painful.”

Uh…say what? Calcium? I didn’t ask for more information, and she didn’t volunteer any because technicians generally aren’t allowed to offer their opinions. So, I went home and Googled shoulder calcium.

It’s a thing. Not a good thing. Specifically, it’s called Calcific Tendonitis.

Again…say what?

Here’s what I learned:

Calcific tendonitis (also known as tendinopathy) is caused by a build up of calcium in the tendons. From what I read, there are several theories as to why calcium may develop inside a tendon, but the key seems to be the interruption of the normal repair process leading to the forming of calcium crystals.

While most commonly found in the shoulders, calcific tendonitis can also appear in the elbows, hands, hips, knees, ankles, and feet. The calcium build up causes a reaction with other muscle tissues in the tendons causing varying degrees of pain and assorted mobility issues.

Symptoms—pain and stiffness—can occur at anytime but are often worse at night disrupting sleep and in the early morning making movement difficult.

Caucasian women between 30 and 65 years old are most affected, and people with disorders like diabetes, hypothyroidism, autoimmune diseases (like arthritis), and metabolic disorders that also cause kidney stones, gallstones, and gout are at higher risk of developing calcific tendonitis. (Helloooo, that’s me.)

Current evidence suggest calcium build up may stem from:

  • Genetic predisposition
  • Abnormal cell growth
  • Abnormal thyroid gland activity
  • Bodily production of anti-inflammatory agents
  • Metabolic diseases

Okay, I don’t want calcific tendonitis, maybe the technician was wrong. Nope. For once, the reports have been added to my online medical file fast, and the doctor reviewing the ultrasound has confirmed the diagnosis.

Calcific tendonitis it is.

Son-of-a-bitch.

So? What’s next? How do we treat this shit? What’s the plan?

Bottom line. Don’t know yet. Need to have a conversation with my doctor.

New goal: Figure out what a calcific tendonitis diagnosis means for me.

Target: Call to make a follow up doctor appointment.

That’s it for now! If you have any tips and tricks for managing calcific tendonitis please share!

Take care, and Happy Thanksgiving to those celebrating this weekend.

Until the next blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 6/10.

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When Too Much is TOO MUCH

16 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

Hey there, Sharing is Caring Members!

Been a while, but I haven’t forgotten you. September was a blur. Gone in the blink of an eye.

Anyone else experience this fast forward, what the hell, where did the time go phenomenon?

No? Just me? Alrighty then…

Time for a wellness journey update.

As you can probably tell from the general sassiness of this blog, my depression has finally lifted. I’m feeling motivated and recharged. Then again, fall does that to me. It’s my favorite season. October my favorite month. Hellooo, sweater weather, warm booties, crisp apples, fall decorating, and Halloween.

So What’s New?

Well, for starters, I’m writing again, working on book two in the Joint Task Team series. I have made a conscious decision to self-publish book one in the fall of 2021, and want to have book two waiting in the wings ready to go. When I think about all the work, time, and money investment that goes along with becoming an indie author, I get overwhelmed—FAST!

But here’s the thing, last month, I participated in a thirty-day Accountability Challenge. Designed to get participants moving towards their goals, the challenge offered an opportunity to make and report on daily targets, learn what works and doesn’t work for our personal circumstances, and find ways to keep moving forward amid so much uncertainty in the world.

What I learned, or maybe already knew, but the challenge solidified for me, is that my bigger goals easily overwhelm me. The finish line, an ever-moving target with scary as fuck unknowns lurking behind every door, is intimidating.

If I self-publish, will people like my books? Will the money I spend on book covers, marketing, professional editing be wasted? Will all my reviews be scathing? Am I a fraud? Will I ever finish writing another novel in a series?

Will I… Will I… Will I…

And on and on I go.

The self-doubt is crippling.

So what did I do to set myself up for success? I set my daily targets low. Today I will write one page. Today I will start a new scene. Today I will do my best to make it through this workday without maiming anyone. Today I will read this new book. Today I will finish writing this chapter.

Well, guess what? My passion for writing was rekindled. Creativity returned. My productivity went up. My mood stabilized. My crippling fear took a back seat. And super happy to report, most days, I exceeded my writing target, and on the days I didn’t, I didn’t beat myself up over it, which is new for me!

Lesson learned—give myself reasonable, achievable targets that move me in the direction of the bigger goal.

Got it. I can do this shit.

So What’s Next?

Yes. I already knew accountability was an important factor in achieving my goals. It’s why I lost fifty pounds when I joined Weight Watchers all those years ago, and why I started this chronic pain blog last January. But we all get lost sometimes, bogged down by life. Beat up by our own personal demons.

2020 didn’t go the way I imagined. When I started my wellness journey, I didn’t anticipate being completely derailed by a worldwide pandemic. I started working longer and longer days, started working weekends, started gaining weight, started feeling dejected, isolated, and hopeless, started suffering from increasing pain levels.

Summer slipped past me, largely unnoticed.

Then September hit, I signed up for the Accountability Challenge, and I was reminded, when I set small goals for myself, with some sort of daily or weekly check-in, I usually meet or surpass my targets.

So, I’m doing it again.

I’m restating my intentions. 2020 is not over. I’m still on my wellness journey. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, it’s time to refocus.

My goals: (Not in any particular order)

Goal: Write and post two blogs in October.

Target: Write and post this blog on October 1. WOO-HOO! Nailed it. Target achieved.

Goal: Lose the COVID weight plus the twenty pounds of pre COVID weight gain.

Target: Lose one pound this week.

Goal: Repair the damaged tooth that is ripping the shit out of my tongue.

Target: Make a dentist appointment. WOO-HOO! Appointment made. Target Achieved.

Goal: Reduce the physical pain I’m in.

Target: Eliminate bread from diet to reduce inflammation starting today.

Goal: Work towards the completion of the current work in progress.

Target: Write one to five pages by next week.

Small Doable Targets.

That’s it. Small doable targets to manage those thoughts and feelings that overwhelm, leading to action paralysis. 

As for accountability? Well, I stated my intentions here for a reason. I’ll pop back in to let you know how the above went.

There’s more (of course, there’s always more) I need to do to get my wellness journey back on track and my pain under control, but I’m taking baby steps. And yeah, WINTER is coming, and you all know I’m not the Queen of the North, so that’s a niggling worry in the back of my mind.

For now, I’m feeling good. Which is to say, I’m in pain, but I’m optimistic, even though I’m positive today’s x-ray and ultrasound will not indicate anything abnormal with my too sore to move left shoulder.

How about you? How’s everyone coping? How do you set your goals? Big chunks or small? What have you accomplished that you’re happy with/proud of/just wanted to get fucking done?

Anyway…that’s it for now, friends. Hope everyone is staying safe and sane!

Until the next blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 7/10.

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I’m Not Angry. I’m Not Hangry. I’m Paingry.

6 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

No. I’m not angry. No. I’m not hangry. I’m paingry.

A whole lot of paingry. I’m paingry because my back is spasming (again). I’m paingry because I need physiotherapy for my hip, but I can’t get in to see my doctor, and my phone consult is still three weeks away. I’m paingry because this pain flare-up seems to have no end in sight. And I’m paingry because I’m not motivated to help myself, clean the house, or finish this fucking blog.

There. I said it. I’m PAINGRY.

Yep. All caps PAINGRY.

CHRONIC PAIN SUCKS

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Chronic pain SUCKS. Whether you’ve suffered for three weeks, six months, twenty-five years, or longer—chronic pain can, and more often than not does, take a toll on your mental health.

It is NOT something to be ashamed of.

Studies show people with chronic pain experience depression and increased anxiety at twice the rate of the general population, often resulting in a lower health-related quality of life.

Living with chronic pain is stressful. Daily pain equals daily stress. Daily, or chronic, stress can change the levels of hormones and neurochemicals within your brain, affecting your mood, thinking, and behaviors. Picture chronic pain and stress like a computer virus attacking and damaging your central processor.

In other words, depression, anxiety, and moodiness is the result of altered brain-biology and is NOT something chronic pain sufferers can control.

It is NOT something I can control.

Much to my dismay.

MIND AND BODY ARE CONNECTED

When one is malfunctioning, the other is usually not too far behind. Pain can cause mental illness, and mental illness can cause pain. Vicious meet cycle. Not the merry-go-round you want to be on my friends.

Unfortunately, sometimes diagnosing and treating chronic pain conditions and associated mental health problems tests the medical community’s skills and abilities. Add in personal biases, heavy patient loads, and long wait times for referrals, and some patients may suffer for months or even years without proper physical and/or mental care.

Now add to that the general population’s lack of understanding of what chronic pain sufferers go through daily, and it’s no wonder we sometimes get PAINGRY.

And WARNING—unless you want to be on the receiving end of a paingry outburst, telling chronic pain sufferers to soldier on is risking a poke at the paingry bear most of us try to keep caged. Putting one foot in front of the other does not fix this shit, especially when that first step results in severe hip pain.

LIVING HEALTHY IS HARD WORK

Yes, there are things we can do to reduce our stress and improve our pain responses. No. I’m not doing any of those things at the moment.

Exercise – nope.

Health eating – nope.

Meditation – nope.

Talk therapy – nope.

Medication – nope.

Listen, I know what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but mentally, I’m not ready. And that’s okay. I’ve got time. I just wish I wasn’t so damn paingry with myself, because trust me, there’s no one harder on this chronic pain sufferer, than this chronic pain sufferer.

Yeah. The cycle is vicious, but I’m a bitch, so no worries.

I’ve got this.

Until the next (hopefully less paingry) blog—peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 8/10.

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Taking Stock

10 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

Hello there, Sharing is Caring Members!

Well, it’s been more than a hot minute since my last blog post. There are reasons for my absence, not sure we’ll cover them all today, but I wanted to get on here and say – YES, I’m still committed to sharing my wellness journey, and YES, I’m still in pain.

June and July were particularly difficult months for me, and I grappled with a number of setbacks I didn’t have the physical energy or mental capacity to deal with, much less write about.

When I started blogging in January, I had a basic idea about how this journey would go. It looked like a pretty straightforward march towards health and happiness with a lot of travel thrown in as incentive to be the healthiest me I could be.

Yes, I knew there would be challenges. Yes, I knew there would be stumbling blocks. Yes, I knew there would be the odd S-curve thrown in. In truth, these were meant to be fodder for the ramblings of my diabolical mind.

I did not anticipate a worldwide pandemic, or the impact COVID-19 would have on my mental and physical well-being.

Not gonna lie. I’ve been in the midst of a depression that has impacted my ability and desire to, for lack of better words, get shit done.

Yes. I said it.

Depression.

Given the stigma associated with the word, and many people’s poorly informed opinions about depression, it’s not something I admit easily or without a certain amount of trepidation.

Here’s the thing though, to move forward in my journey and continue with the blog, I felt I needed to be honest (with myself and incidentally with you) in sharing where I’m at.

To be clear, I have not been officially diagnosed with or treated for depression. It’s simply the word I use to describe my mental state and the impact my prolonged “low” mood is having on my life.

So what does depression mean to me?

The most common or basic definition of (Major) depression is feelings of anger, loss, or sadness lasting two weeks or more and interfering with a person’s everyday activities. See links above.

Symptoms (lasting two weeks or more) can include:

  • Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
  • Loss of appetite or overeating
  • Rapid weight loss or weight gain
  • Feelings of gloom, sadness, or grief
  • Low energy and fatigue
  • Loss of interest in regular or pleasurable activities
  • Reduced ability to concentrate or memory problems
  • Difficulty in making decisions
  • Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
  • Constant worry or anxiety
  • Thoughts of death, self-harm, or suicide
  • Social withdrawal
  • Unexplained aches or pains

My symptoms (lasting two months or more) include:

  • Difficulty sleeping or staying asleep leading to low energy and fatigue
  • Overeating or emotional eating leading to weight gain
  • COVID related feelings of gloom and doom leading to anxiety about the future
  • Constant COVID related worry and thoughts of sickness and death (mine and others)
  • Loss of interest in pleasurable activities (writing)
  • Memory problems and reduced cognitive abilities
  • Increased aches and pains
  • A desire to socially withdraw (I am still out and about but it takes extra effort)

Yes. Safe to say, I have been (and continue to be) in a depressed state.

Truth.

It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last time, and it’s not something to be ashamed of.

I’m human. I have feelings. Things affect me – sometimes for prolonged periods. I can’t control it. Like the chronic pain I suffer from, there’s no snapping out of it. There’s no magic pill. Telling me I have much to be grateful for doesn’t help.

Along with the fibromyalgia and arthritis, depression is likely something I inherited from my parents, and they from their parents. There are other causes of depression as well, chronic pain being one of them, but we’ll get into that in another blog.

Bottom line. I’m depressed. Is this bout of depression COVID related? The answer is…probably.

Am I coming around?

Yes.

How do I know?

I’m writing again, and it feels good, so hopefully, more to come soon!

In the meantime, I hope you are all taking care of your mental and physical health while staying safe in this topsy turvy world. 

Reminder, if anyone needs to chat or share, this forum is here for you. You can also drop me a line through the contact page! And don’t forget, there are many excellent resources out there if you need more support during this (or any) difficult time.

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

sunset, sea, horizon-768759.jpg

Current pain level 5/10.

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Painsomnia – Let’s Talk About Sleep, Baby

6 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

It’s 4:16 am. I’m awake. Have been for hours. Yes, Roy is snoring. No, it’s not the reason sleep eludes me.

The blankets have been on, off, half on…maybe if I stick a foot out? Nope. Right arm? Nope. My body temperature won’t regulate.

It’s not the reason I’m awake.

My thoughts whirl. Anxiety spikes. COVID-19. Black lives matter. Haven’t posted a blog in weeks. Are my sons happy? Should we get a dog? To build or not to build? Is the retirement travel I envisioned still a possibility? Am I a bad daughter? How am I going to lose weight working ten-hour days? Should I TikTok?

Now What?

I try deep breathing. Nope. Meditation. Nope. Sheer force of will. Nope. My brain will not stop.

It’s not the reason I’m still awake.

I adjust my half of the bed. Head up. Nope. Feet down. Nope. How about the reverse? Nope. Maybe if I try every possible up/down combination? Nope. I toss. Nope. I turn. Nope. Cross my ankles. Nope. Uncross my ankles. Nope. I can’t get comfortable.

I can’t get comfortable…that’s the nice way of saying I can’t sleep because of the amount of fucking pain I’m in.

PAINSOMNIA.

It’s real, and it’s a pain in the ass (literally).

Welcome to Hell...Please Enjoy the Ride

A pain spike is one thing. Add in exhaustion due to sleep deprivation, and we’re talking a whole other depth of  Satan’s paradise. We’re talking the subbasement of hell. Worse. We’re talking the furnace room of the subbasement of hell. All dark and dinghy. Cobwebs in the corner. Layers of crud and dust covering the floor. Hot, stale air. A dead rat in the shadows.

It’s the kind of place you don’t want to be stuck in for too long.

Problem is – painsomnia and I have a history, and I know I’m gonna be here for a while. Yep, might as well stock the mini-fridge, cause this pain train is going nowhere fast.

On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain level is about a 22.59 right now. Not kidding. This is ridiculous. The bones of my feet feel broken. My left ankle refuses to bend. My right knee pops when I walk. Both legs have shin splints and permanent calf cramps. My left hip gives out on the regular. My right hand aches. I can’t lift my left arm because my shoulder is inflamed (bursitis). My back is spasming. My neck mobility is limited. And yeah, to top it off, the ringing in my ears is louder than usual – to the point that I’m having a hard time hearing.

The depths of hell is an apt description.

Although I’ve suffered from many sleepless nights over the years, I didn’t make the connection to my chronic pain until I came across the term Painsomnia. Coined by members of the chronic pain community, the word perfectly describes the cycle of pain, leading to lack of sleep, leading to more pain. It’s a vicious downward spiral, and it’s hard to reverse.

I'm Not Alone...

Did you know, 8 in 10 chronic pain sufferers describe frequent episodes of poor or lost sleep? 8 in 10! That’s a lot of people roaming the halls at night, or, and this is much more likely, connecting with fellow Painsomniacs (that’s not a word – I just made it up – I even Googled it) on one of the #painsomnia social media hashtags.

Furthermore, did you know that many chronic pain sufferers (myself included) feel their pain level increases at night! This phenomenon is due to a couple of factors:

  • our bodies naturally produce lower levels of the anti-inflammatory hormone cortisol during periods of rest
  • we tend to have fewer distractions at night; therefore, attention to pain levels (not the pain itself) may increase
  • staying in one position for an extended period can cause joints to stiffen (hello fellow Ankylosing Spondylitis sufferers), even small movements during sleep can cause pain
  • when we’re tired our brains lack the ability to dampen pain signals, so our pain is perceived as worse during the wee hours.

You Did What Now?

Whether we simply perceive our pain as worse at night, or our pain level actually increases, there are many recommended practices to follow to enhance sleep.

None of these will come as a surprise:

  • Exercise daily
  • Avoid consuming caffeine in later afternoon or evening
  • Avoid overeating before sleeping
  • Avoid drinking alcohol before bedtime
  • Establish a relaxing bedtime routine
  • Try taking a warm bath before bedtime to ease sore joints
  • Turn off electronic devices before bedtime
  • Keep your room a comfortable temperature
  • Limit exposure to bright light
  • Try meditation or deep breathing
  • Make sure your mattress and pillow are right for you
  • Consider natural or herbal remedies

So great, you’re doing all of the above, and you’re still awake. Painsomnia has sunk its teeth in deep, and you’re fucked. Yep, been there. See ya next month when your flare-up subsides, and you can sleep for more than two hours at a time.

Or…

Now that you know painsomnia is a real thing, you can do what I did. For the first time in twenty-five years of living with chronic pain, I called my doctor. Described my symptoms. Discussed what needed addressing to get me back to sleep mode. In my case, it was the leg cramping and shoulder pain keeping me awake at night. She prescribed a muscle relaxant.

I took one pill. One. The leg cramps disappeared, and the shoulder pain became tolerable. I slept Wednesday night. I slept Thursday night. And now, I’m back to my regular ole pain levels. Thank baby Jesus!

My point is – if a pain flare is keeping you awake and you haven’t spoken to a medical professional about it – do it. DO IT NOW! It could very well mean the difference between a good night’s sleep and prolonged painsomnia suffering.

Wishing you happy dreams!

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 8/10.

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Writing for The Mighty!

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Hey there, Sharing is Caring Members!

It’s been a while. Not gonna lie. I’m struggling a bit these days with completing anything outside of work. My pain levels are high, and my personal balance is out of whack.

I have good intentions, just no follow through at the moment, and that’s okay. I’m working 60-70+ hours a week, something has got to give.

A lot of somethings.

Sadly, writing for the blog has been one of those things.

However, I was invited by The Mighty to write an introduction for their Fibromyalgia news letter which was super exciting for me. It was also a challenge to keep my ramblings down to 150 words!

Sharing my introduction with you below and encouraging you to check out the featured story by Samantha Moss – it includes an excellent pain visual and description chart.

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Pain is Personal. How Do You Perceive Your Fibromyalgia Pain?

Pain. All-day, every day? Worse in the morning or the afternoon? Sharp? Shooting? Stabbing? Aching?

Pain is personal — how we perceive it and our tolerance to it is as individual as it gets.

For many, the struggle to describe their chronic pain is as real as the pain itself. To make things harder, add on a cloak of invisibility. There’s no wound to see. No cast to draw on. No Snoopy bandage to ease the hurt.

Whether you rely on words, visuals or a pain scale, talking about how your pain feels and how it affects you is critical to getting the help you need. In my case, recording my symptoms and better describing my pain led to the discovery of a second autoimmune disease.

How about you? How would you rate your fibro pain before, during and after a flare, and what method do you use to describe it? Check out this week’s featured story — it may inspire you to come up with a new creative way to rate your pain.

You can read more of Edith’s work on The Mighty by clicking here. Visit her website by clicking here. You can also follow her on Instagram here and “like” her Facebook page here.

💡 Today’s Takeaway

Finding a way to describe your pain may be hard, but it’s worth it!

Stay Mighty,
Edith

Stories You May Need Today

 
The Creative Pain Scale You Need to See If You’re Tired of Rating Your Pain From 1 to 10
Samantha Moss
Read now →

Current pain level 8/10.

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When Shaving Your Legs IS the End of the World

4 Comments / Living With Chronic Pain / /

Hey, Everybody!

Holy crap! Here we are. It’s the end of the third week in May, and this is only blog number two for the month! Super sorry, Sharing is Caring Tribe. With the amount of overtime I’m working, the days have flown by while time has simultaneously stood still.

Seriously, my life is a groundhog movie. Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat.

But today? Today is Saturday, summer has finally arrived, and I’m going to work from the cottage this weekend!

Woot! Woot!

As I type this, the early morning sun is slanting through the windows, laying a path of warmth across my bare shins, and I’m reminded, I haven’t shaved my legs in a while.

No time, no energy, no desire, and up to this point, no need. My legs haven’t been on display since I left Florida in mid-march. So yeah, shaving hasn’t been a priority.

Until now.

Lake weather has arrived, and the clothes are coming off.

It also means I gotta dust off a razor and give myself a weed wack. Not something I’m looking forward to.

Why Body Hair is my Nemisis

When you suffer from chronic pain, some days, getting out of bed is an accomplishment—hitting the shower? A heroic exertion of epic proportion. Shaving your legs? Yeah, not gonna happen. Especially in the dead of winter when no one gets a peep at your gams anyway. And if your partner doesn’t find your hairy appendages sexy? Well then, that’s what fleece pajamas are for.

Am I right?

Happily, seasons change. Minus forty temperatures give way. The earth warms. Flowers bloom. Summer living begins, and out from those layers of denim, cotton, and spandex come the neglected body parts no one has seen in a while.

Not gonna lie, body hair (and its permanent removal) has been, and continues to be, a war I will wage without regret. Does that make me high maintenance? Maybe. But here’s the deal. Sometimes, when you suffer from one or more autoimmune diseases, something as simple as personal grooming can require too much of your limited energy. Not to mention the physical limitations of a body that cannot, and will not, bend in ways that allows a normal person to get at those hard to reach places.

Doesn’t mean I don’t care about how I look. Doesn’t mean I’m willing to go au natural by embracing my hairy self. Quite the opposite. Despite my shitty eyesight, the older I get, the more body hair I discover! It’s creepy, I don’t like it, and it has got to go. PERMANENTLY.

Hair Here, Hair There, Hair Everywhere

Black hair growing on your chin in clusters? Moustache hair sticking straight out? Eyebrow hair meeting in the middle? Nipple hair? On women? What fucking depth of hell is this torture? Hate em. Had em. Electrolysised the shit out of em.

Bye-bye, bitches.

Next.

Armpit hair impossible to shave because you can’t lift your arms above your head? Unauthorized expansion of hairy hoo-ha territory because you can’t contort into a pretzel? Toe hair long enough to braid because you can’t bend over to reach your feet?

Toe hair? Who the actual fuck grows hair on their toes? I swear, I have hair growing everywhere…except on my head…where it’s supposed to be!

No matter.

Laser hair removal to the rescue.

Zippity-zip. Zappity-zap. Take that you, hairy hair follicle.

Why is this woman shaving perfectly hairless legs?

High Maintenance Vs. Practicality

Yep, I invested in and endured laser hair removal. For me, it has been money well spent. The energy I would have expended week over week and month over month, keeping my body hair situation under control, was spent on things I wanted to do instead.

A huge win considering my battle with chronic pain and my limited energy resources.

So, why then are my legs still hairy? Great question. Glad you asked.

There are a couple of reasons:

  1. I don’t have a lot of hair on my legs, so if I let the hair grow, it’s not so bad.
  2. Leg hair doesn’t creep me out as much as nipple hair.
  3. I can see and reach my legs, so shaving is fairly easy.

But honestly, electrolysis and laser hair removal is expensive. Each session can run between one hundred and two hundred dollars depending on how long it takes, and multiple sessions are required to achieve permanent hair removal status.

Basically, in terms of body hair removal priorities, I was saving my legs for last. And in fact, I was scheduled to begin my laser hair removal sessions on my legs last month.

COVID-19 put a halt on that.

Not a big deal. I’ll survive another summer of shaving my legs. I just don’t think I’m starting this weekend, because I spent my energy on writing this blog.

And now I have a question for you.

Does spending money on something that makes your life easier make you worthy of being called high maintenance?

Yes, I can spend my time stressing, waxing, plucking, tweezing, and shaving (although I find good razors are ridiculously expensive). Or I can let myself go natural. But does that make me less high maintenance?

I think not.

Either way. I’m gonna take my hairy legs to the lake now so I can get to work and enjoy the sun.

Hope you all have a beautiful socially-distanced Saturday!

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 6.5/10.

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Nail Health – More than a Mani/Pedi

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Like many women, I enjoy having pretty fingers and toes, especially when traveling or on special occasions. So, for about a year, I made an effort to get my nails “done” at a salon.

And yep, there’s that stigma, rearing its ugly head again. Look at her French manicure and cotton candy pink pedi – she must be high maintenance.

Not, gonna lie. In my younger days, I was one of those judgy bitches.

Who had time to spend two hours in a nail salon, anyway? I spent my days at work, in hockey rinks, at the grocery store, and trying to figure out how to live with a significant amount of chronic pain.

Right…

Jealous much?

Anyhoo…beyond the time commitment, the truth is, I couldn’t afford to go to a nail salon with any regularity until I was older and had the extra cash to spend on what I considered a “luxury.” Note the use of the word regularity. Yeah, here’s the thing about getting a mani/pedi, like hair highlights and color, nail polish needs to be maintained, or it looks like shit.

Given my terrible “maintenance” record, I always opted for the longest-lasting manicures. While shellac and powder dipped nails are more durable than regular polish, they do damage your nails over time. Especially, if you’re a maintenance procrastinator and compulsive picker like I am.

Now, on to the high maintenance nitty-gritty, bull-shitty. Beyond vanity, there are specific reasons to pay attention to your nails.

For instance, did you know nail health is closely associated with your body’s overall health? 

Yep, anemia, congestive heart failure, liver disease, malnutrition, diabetes, autoimmune diseases such as arthritis, fungal infections, thyroid disease, psoriasis, emphysema, lupus, melanoma (cancer), vitamin or mineral deficiencies, etc., can cause changes to the condition of your nails.

Warning signs to watch for include:

  • Cracked nails
  • Discolored nails (red, yellow, brown, white, blue)
  • Clubbing nails
  • Ridged nails
  • Pitted nails
  • Curling nails
  • Detaching nails
  • Bleeding nails

All of the above can be indicators of an undiagnosed medical problem, and changes to your nail health should be flagged to your doctor as soon as possible. Trust me on this one! In doing my research for this blog, I came across any number of photographic examples of nails impacted by a variety of diseases, all of them extremely painful looking.

If you have nail health concerns, I found the following links to be informative, if not somewhat disturbing. 

Nail Disease
Nail Health

In my case, my autoimmune diseases make my fingernails soft and weak. They bend and break easily, plus, the ongoing use of shellac, powder dip, acetone, etc., didn’t help the situation. So once again, I found myself in a bit of a quagmire, damaged nails due to disease and abuse, but wanting to have pretty fingers and toes. Vanity? Yes, maybe a little. Concerned about nail health? Yes, a little bit of that, too.

So? What’s an immuno-compromised girl to do?

Well, for starters, I stopped going to the salon. I also started taking biotin for hair and nail health, and I’m pleased to report my nails are slowly recovering.

But seriously though, plain old nails are, well, plain. Besides, who doesn’t need a little color and sparkle in their life?

Not only does a pretty mani/pedi make your hands and feet look cleaner, younger, and healthier, it can be an instant mood lift.

It’s why I’m super happy I discovered the Kiss brand of Impress Nails. Love these press-on beauties! They’re an instant manicure/pedicure, at a great price, with zero nail damage. Not to mention these “fake” nails look amazing, and if carefully applied, last for a week or more, making me happy, happy, happy.

(No, this blog is NOT sponsored by Impress Nails. I just love them. Sold at Walmart in Canada in case you’re curious.)

And listen, I’m not shooting down the traditional mani/pedi. I think there’s a real need for professional assistance when it comes to maintaining the health of your hands and feet, especially if you’ve been diagnosed with a chronic disease such as diabetes. But where you get your service done and what type of manicure/pedicure you opt for matters!

Salon Lover?

The two most important things to look for when choosing a salon or service provider:

Cleanliness – may be a no-brainer, but how often do you ask about how tools are sterilized (should be autoclaved), chairs wiped down, and basins disinfected? Unless you bring your own, tool packages should be opened in front of you, and service providers should wear fresh gloves or sanitize their hands before beginning.

If you feel icky about the sanitary conditions of a salon, do yourself a favor, WALK AWAY. Seriously, nail infections are no joke and can lead to major health problems.

Qualified technicians or service providers – Not all technicians are created equal. The best thing you can do for yourself is to communicate your expectations and concerns. DON’T BE ME. I ended up with a broken big toe because I didn’t speak up during a too aggressive foot massage at a sketchy nail salon that came highly recommended.

Instead, find someone you’re comfortable working with. A good technician will be concerned about the overall health or condition of your nails. Toenails discolored from polish? Your service provider should recommend you give your nails a break and offer tips for improving nail condition. If they’re not, it may be time to find a new salon.

Bottom Line:

Maintaining healthy nails is important. They are, after all, a functioning part of your body. How else are you going to open a can of beer one-handed?

Think about it. Your hands and feet are hard working. They deserve pampering. So go ahead, spend a bit of coin for a salon service, or invest in some products and tools to use at home.

No matter your preference, having pretty nails does not make you high maintenance, and to those who think otherwise…a manicured one finger salute will do.

How about you? Any experience with being called out as a high maintenance kinda girl? Would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.

Current pain level 6/10.

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