Perfection is killing me.
Okay. Sure. I’m being dramatic. I’m not perfect. Not even close. My family knows it. My friends know it. My colleagues at work know it.
Doesn’t mean I don’t jam myself into tight corners with impossible to achieve perfection situations.
Yep. I’m an all-in kinda girl. Have been forever.
If I’m exercising, you can be sure I’m going too hard, too fast. If I’m cutting out Diet Coke, I’m going cold turkey and suffering through a major caffeine withdrawal. If I’m trying to lose weight, I’m trying to do it overnight, which means I’ve probably cut my calorie intake to less than a thousand calories per day.
Same is true when I get stuck in reverse mode.
If I’m eating Quarter Pounders with Cheese – I’m probably eating one a day. If I fall off the Diet Coke wagon, I’m cracking open a can at breakfast. If I’m working on a novel, I’m spending a ton of extra hours, butt in a chair, trying to get words on paper – meaning exercise – yeah, not gonna happen.
Problem is – good habits or bad – none of these over the top patterns of behavior are sustainable. Basically, I’m setting myself up for failure. I know it. There’s no shock and awe here. No big revelation.
So, why do it? Why am I still trying to reach a state of personal perfection when it comes to diet, fitness, relationships, writing, working, home decorating, etc.?
Well, if only you could hear what goes on in my head, you’d understand.
Be perfect. You can do it. If only you tried harder. If only you did better. If only you…
Ad nauseam, and to infinity and beyond.
Why? Why does my brain hate me?
And why does perfection matter anyway?
Because maybe – just maybe – if I reach that perfect state, the place where I’m finally all the things I want to be, and doing all the things I want to do, then maybe I won’t be in pain anymore.
- Become a (well-liked) published Author. ✔
- Be an awesome wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee. ✔
- Do yoga 3 times a week. Walk 60 minutes daily. Take a 2-hour hike every Saturday. ✔
- Eat only (non-nightshade) vegetables and protein. ✔
- Fit into my size 8 skinny jeans. ✔
- Have perfect hair and glowing skin. ✔
- Be the life of the party and a fountain of wisdom. ✔
- Drink 8 – 10 glasses of water daily. ✔
- Keep a spotless kitchen. ✔
- Ride my horse through the Montana wilderness to rescue lost calves; my Stetson pulled low, my cowboy boots perfectly (there’s that p-word again) distressed. (I don’t even know how to ride a horse…but whatever.) ✔
The point is, my brain (not even on drugs) is telling me on repeat, that unless I’m all of the above, and then some, the pain I suffer from is my own damn fault.
How crazy is that?
Because I ate bread – it’s my fault my lower back hurts. Because I didn’t force myself to run an eight-minute mile after working all day – it’s my fault my hip joints are painfully locking and popping. Because there are crumbs on my kitchen floor – it’s my fault my brain fog is so bad I showed up for a 6:00 yoga class at 7:30 (true story).
Last night, I was talking about this blog with my doctor seester, Diane LaChapelle, who is an actual chronic pain expert with all the fancy letters after her name to prove it. She shared with me an explanation for some of my brain’s excessively critical ramblings.
It’s called the just-world hypothesis. Parsed down to non-scientify lingo, the just-world hypothesis is a general belief that life is fair, and people get what they deserve.
Good begets good. And if you’re bad…well, you’re fucked.
Therefore, if life is fair, and I am good (or in my case substitute good for perfect), then I deserve a pain-free existence. Right? And since I’m not pain-free, and haven’t been for years, it must mean I’m imperfect or a bad person.
A very, VERY bad person, going by my pain levels.
Seriously, life can be mentally hard when you blame yourself for things you have no control over. I have Fibromyalgia. The having of the disease is not my fault. Also true for Ankylosing Spondylitis. These conditions are a combination of the genetics I inherited from my parents.
GENETICS – that’s a whole other blog, right there!
The widespread chronic pain produced by these diseases? Not something I earned through bad behavior or my failure to reach my perfect state.
Fundamentally, I already knew this, but hellooooo, crazy bitch brain talkin’.
So here’s the deal. As I bumble along my wellness journey, I’m working towards changing my inner monologue. The goal? Finding my personal balance. That sweet spot between good and bad. Perfect and perfectly imperfect.
It exists. I just gotta find it for myself. And you gotta find it for yourself. Cause we’re not the same. My perfectly imperfect won’t be, and shouldn’t be, your perfectly imperfect.
Doesn’t mean we can’t share notes and experiences along the way. Doesn’t mean we can’t laugh and cry and curse together over spilled wine and dropped eggs. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold each other up when our pain levels try to drag us down.
I’m a work in progress. Always have been. And, I hope to God, always will be. I’m still learning how to live with my chronic pain. I’m still changing my views on what’s the best way to achieve my personal goals. I’m still striving to find my balance.
It takes time. A lifetime, really. But I’m hopeful that with a little extra self-awareness and acceptance of things I have no control over, keeping an even keel won’t be so damn hard.
Although, if I open a bottle of beer, you can safely bet money, I’m having more than a single.
If you have any tips and tricks for finding your balance, drop them in the comments. I’d love to know more about your challenges and successes.
Until the next blog – peace out pain sufferers.
Current pain level 6/10.
Well, seems to me you nailed that one on the head.
I have an inner dialogue with myself daily about my lack of perfection.
I am trying to turn that around to saying “Today I did my best and that’s good enough”
Sometimes I sit at my desk in a fog and other times I am so productive I actually pat myself on the back!
Same! When I feel good my to do list is a mile long and my brain does not tell me to pace! I usually crash hard after that.
One step at a time.
Towards the cottage.
Best therapy hands down! 🙌🏻
Yesterday was a real bad day , not only for pain but for for my return to sewing. It was the day when I had many talks with myself on how can somebody be so stupid as to not know what’s wrong with their machines! (Sewing and serger) I finally said enough stop go upstairs take something and stop fighting with myself. For me to give up is a real hard step for me! But guess what with a little clearer mind today I figured out what was going on and even finished one dress. Sure the pain is still there but not as bad as yesterday. Even old girls like me can learn or should say listen to your body!
Sometimes trying to figure out something that’s supposed to be easy or second nature is the worst! For me it’s words. I use them all the time, but on brain drain days finding the right one can be super elusive. Although, the work arounds can sometime be hilarious! Hope your pain flare is under control soon.
Happy sewing.
E
Once again you have put ‘the feeling’ into words. That lack of perfection feeling is passed down…I know as I live in the same family…. It took Nursing school to put me on the right ( albeit turtle slow) journey… May tomorrow bring you less pain and clarity. Hugs
Agree. Definitely some genetics at play, Alice! Personally, I think it’s something we don’t talk about enough…not the inevitable comparison of aches and pain. And who’s taking what pill. But the impact of chronic pain on our day to day lives. Nobody wants to tell their mother, brother, cousin, friend – sorry, I can’t help you move your piano, because if I do I’ll be bed-ridden for a week. Especially when you don’t “look” sick.
Thank you for writing your blog!
Happy to share, Charlynne!